


Room To Breathe (Remix)

by Tammaiya



Category: X -エックス- | X/1999
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-01-24
Updated: 2005-01-24
Packaged: 2018-08-15 12:31:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8056537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tammaiya/pseuds/Tammaiya
Summary: Living with Seishirou is a lot easier than it should be.





	Room To Breathe (Remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Room to Breathe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/181552) by [littledust](https://archiveofourown.org/users/littledust/pseuds/littledust). 



There are a thousand and one reasons why living with Seishirou is a bad idea, and if he tried, Subaru could probably list them all. At the very least, even if one were to ignore all the history between them and the complete lack of logic inherent in an Angel living with a Seal, there is still the matter of the Sumeragi and the Sakurazukamori. It's stupid, the antithesis of anything even resembling sense, the sign that perhaps Subaru has finally lost his mind.  
  
And he doesn't care.  
  
Living with Seishirou feels as though it should be awkward and unnatural, long silences and bitter glances. Seishirou should always come home late and be gone when Subaru wakes; they should never talk to each other except for Subaru's reproaches and Seishirou's stinging barbs: you make me miserable, you don't make me feel anything. Subaru had expected to see Seishirou's crimes whenever he looked at him, to never be able to separate love from hate and live in perpetual despair.   
  
It's like that at times, of course. Every couple has their fights, and a careless word from either of them could completely destroy everything, rending the delicate fabric of their co-existence apart and bringing their house of cards tumbling down. A single passing jibe from Seishirou has the power to tear Subaru apart from the inside.  
  
Tonight is one of those nights. Subaru hates to be reminded that Seishirou kills people, people like his sister, so when the other man comes home later than usual- Subaru ordered them takeout, but Seishirou wasn't there so he ended up leaving it all in the fridge- and has blood under his nails, Subaru can't help but bite anxiously at his lip. Maybe Seishirou notices, or maybe he simply feels like being cruel; the harsh barb concealed in his words hurts either way.  
  
Seishirou goes to the shower and Subaru goes to bed, curling his legs in close to his chest and wondering what he's doing. Why is he living with Seishirou, when all they ever do is hurt each other? Seishirou hasn't really changed, when all is said and done. He's still a killer, he can still break Subaru to pieces, and it must be wishful thinking to believe he's ever cared.  
  
Yet despite that, Subaru does believe it, nurtures his faith like a butterfly that might die if not sheltered from the storm. It's not an endless cycle of hurt and pain, as it could have been. With all the fights and all the things that should be, cold and awkward and bitter and sad, most days Subaru forgets what Seishirou is and loves him for who he is. It's easy, surprisingly so; most days their interaction is effortlessly smooth, natural, something that is meant to be. Most days Subaru is happy, and that is something he hasn't been for a very long time.  
  
This is why he never leaves, no matter how badly or how often Seishirou hurts him: because in the end all couples have fights, and Seishirou is the only one Subaru has ever wanted.  
  
He hopes (thinks) that Seishirou feels the same way. After all, Seishirou has never kicked him out, no matter how bad the fight, and Subaru must inconvenience his job at times. It's something, and it's something Subaru is content with.  
  
When Seishirou comes back to bed, the line of his body tense and wary as if he expects to need to defend himself, Subaru takes his hands gently and presses soft kisses to each palm. The tension melts away; the storm has passed.  
  
Often when they eat together, which is most nights, Seishirou watches Subaru instead of paying attention to his own food. Whenever Subaru catches him, it makes the slighter man blush; he will never be used to such scrutiny, no matter how frequently it occurs. He knows Seishirou doesn't think he eats enough, because he nags constantly about it, but Subaru eats more than he used to. He always tells Seishirou to eat his own food and stop fussing; Seishirou does, but he continues to watch Subaru at the same time.  
  
Seishirou goes out every morning. Subaru knows why, although he sometimes wishes he didn't. He goes out too, some days, on jobs of his own or to visit Kamui. Sometimes Seishirou is already back when he gets home, like tonight; this time he's apparently fallen asleep on the couch, so Subaru goes and gets a quilt from the linen closet to spread over him before going to write a letter to his grandmother.  
  
His grandmother hasn't seen or talked to him since she found out that he was living with the Sakurazukamori, yet she will still respond to his letters. Her replies are always scathing, angled just the right way to cut Subaru deep enough to hurt. She accuses him of betraying his heritage, betraying his family, betraying his sister; Subaru doesn't really know why he continues writing to her when she makes it so clear that reconciliation is not and never will be an option so long as he lives with Seishirou, but he feels obligated. Her letters always make him break down in tears; Subaru never lets Seishirou read what they say, for some reason he can't really define, but Seishirou always holds him until the tears subside.  
  
Subaru chews his pencil, lost in thought as he tries to decide what to write to his grandmother. It's hard to think of something that hasn't already been said; any pleas for forgiveness are met with vicious denial, so he has long ago given up on them. He can't talk about his everyday life, because she doesn't want to know about anything involving Seishirou. Finally, he settles on a description of his recent jobs, dry and boring but safe.  
  
Seishirou wakes up before he's finished writing.  
  
"There's dinner in the refrigerator," Subaru says distractedly, chewing on the pencil again as he tries to think of how to end the letter in a way that is neither too abrupt nor too familiar.  
  
In his peripheral vision, he can see Seishirou shrug off the quilt and walk towards him. Nevertheless, Subaru is surprised when Seishirou leans over to cup his face, because he had assumed the older man was going to the kitchen. Before he can ask, though, Seishirou is kissing him; it's a gesture of gentle warmth and comfort that surrounds him almost like the emotional equivalent of the quilt he had laid over Seishirou earlier.  
  
Seishirou breaks the kiss, mouth moving to Subaru's ear. Subaru remains still, blinking and mildly confused by Seishirou's behaviour. It's more affectionate than usual, even for a good mood.  
  
"I missed you."  
  
Seishirou kisses the curve of Subaru's jaw after he says these words; Subaru places the pencil carefully down on the bench and pulls him closer, a lover's embrace.  
  
"You say that every day."  
  
"I know."  
  
Subaru holds Seishirou in his arms and realises that he has no need to believe that Seishirou loves him, because it is impossible to believe something if you already know it's true.  
  
I love you, Seishirou's eyes and face say silently.  
  
I know.


End file.
